SACRED SEX PT. 1

Series: Clickbait

May 22

Written By Kevin Canterbury

Pastor Kevin Canterbury
May 15, 2022
Series: Clickbait
15 min. read

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Tell me if you agree with these statements (if they apply to you):

“I love my spouse.”
“I love my family and friends.”
“I love my pets.”
“I love my career.”
“I love tacos.”
“I love God.”

In English, we have one word for love. One would agree each sentence I just said requires a different kind of love. I love my bride, I love my church, and if I am being really honest, I love mashed potatoes… Isn’t it interesting how we throw this word “love” to almost anything we have a small attachment to? Our words matter but man, I loved our beach vacation last year. Or just last week, I loved Dr. Strange and the MoM. But what if there is more to be uncovered? Is there language to communicate these different types of love?

Greek has a few words for love you may already be familiar with…

Philia: Deep friendship
Agape: Love for everyone
Pragma: Long-standing love
Mania: Obsessive love
Eros: Sexual passion

That helps, right? If you walk around with those words in your pocket you may say, “I philia you, bro…” or “I mania my wife’s cooking…” Ok, that’s dumb but honestly, I like that a lot more than just “I love you” in one breath and “I love my new shoes” in the next.

But let’s go back a little further past the Greek. I want us to understand the three dominant interpretations of the word “love” from Hebrew tradition:

Hebrew words for love:

Raya: “friend” or “companion”

I was talking to my wife, Kelsey just last week. I just looked at her and said, “I like you and I love you…” Meaning she’s my friend, I authentically like her, but I think there are plenty of folks who may love their spouse but no longer like them and that’s just a travesty. Pick up any book on marriage or love and you will find very little on the importance of friendship. But raya love expresses this.

Ahava: means to have affection toward someone. But biblically speaking, this love is more than sentiment, but is also action.

The love of the will. Now, this is way more profound than fleeting romantic feelings or infatuation. This is much more than temporary urges. Ahava is making a decision to join your life to the life of another. This is a deep emotion that leads to commitment. You could refer to ahava as a way of expressing love and commitment like soulmates do.

Dod: “caress” or “to fondle.”

Dod is the physical, sexual element of a relationship. I think you get the idea.

Perhaps to the horror of some, we are going to talk about the importance of love, yes, but what we will cover today will be about what I’m calling “sacred sex”. You may think that only involves “dod” but you’d be wrong. Sacred sex is actually a combination of raya, ahava, and dod and it is something God created for our enjoyment. Sacred sex is good.

But like anything, love and sex can get really twisted very fast.

Sex is one of those topics that we’re confronted with every day in the media. Human bodies are on display more and more. Sex talk is everywhere in the culture, but the greater Church has largely been silent on the matter… Except when talking about same-sex marriage and abortion— the Church seems to share a lot of opinions about those things, which really begin to take a political turn rather quickly.

We’re not going there today because I think there’s something important here that is often overlooked: The Sacredness of Sex, the blessing or holiness of sex. Today, we will discuss this in a way that honors God and hopefully won’t embarrass you, we will approach this topic in a biblical way.

Unfortunately, there are very few places in our culture where people can talk openly and honestly about human sexuality without it being tempting on one hand or rebuked on the other. Remember, in everything we have discussed to this point in our Clickbait series, our goal hasn’t been to land here or there, but to have an honest talk about the issue and apply Godly wisdom – deconstruction, dangers of ideology, mental health, church trauma, and now, sacred sex.

It all matters because We are bombarded with images and talk about the physiology and psychology of sexuality, but not about the theology of it.

And depending on how you were raised or what tradition you were brought up in, we all have different perspectives and opinions on sex. As is true with almost everything, there seem to be two extremes: Sex is something we don’t talk about and almost comes with a sense of shame attached to it or it’s something we don’t stop talking about and every form of sex isn’t only accepted but celebrated.

Neither of those perspectives represents what sacred sex actually is. Sacred sex finds itself as a beautiful blend that requires reverence and gives us pleasure.

Sacred sex has guardrails and is to be enjoyed.

And just so you know, I will not be defining those specific guardrails today because honestly, that can get inappropriate. There are Godly expectations, yes, but let’s not get foul and get our minds in the gutter. Instead, I want us to work on our understanding of the holiness and sacredness that sex is because we can develop unhealthy thought patterns or unhelpful views of sex where it just becomes a means to an end. Sacred sex is more than just an exchange, but it is a holy act and a good gift from our Creator.

Sex was one of the first gifts given by God to His created humanity—a gift that fully expresses the unity of our bodies and souls. If you were to go out on Bardstown Road and ask people what the Bible’s view of sex is, they’d probably tell you that it was pretty negative—maybe a utilitarian way of procreating our species but certainly the biblical view of sex must be anything but holy... Right? Unfortunately, the Church has largely contributed to this view by focusing its energy on the “don’ts” of sexuality and trying to pretend that it’s a fringe, unimportant, and largely unnecessary part of our lives. Imagine treating any other gift from God like that – that’s crazy.

So, I am simply asking you to be thoughtful and open to discussing something God created not for our shame but for our literal pleasure.

Now, some of you might already be uncomfortable with this topic – why? Maybe a better question is: What shaped your views of sex to the point that the very nature of a biblical approach makes you uneasy? Maybe there are some things worth exploring with professional help because sex is something adults should be able to talk about without feeling tempted or rebuked, but I would also add shame. Sex is a sensitive topic but it certainly shouldn’t be a shameful one.

I think there are two dominant views we humans have of sex:

Sex is god. It is EVERYTHING

Sex is gross. It is DISGRACEFUL

But I hope to shift those perspectives into what is true:

Sex is a gift. Literally from a good God that created everything and called it good. Sex is a gift. But sex can be complicated, too, let’s not be ignorant.

A ministry Kelsey and I absolutely love leading is focused on premarital counseling. We get to talk with couples leading up to their weddings but there’s always baggage to sort. Sex aside, two imperfect humans coming together is complicated.

When two people come together we come with baggage and for a time the excitement of a new relationship or new marriage can overshadow some of that baggage. We can ignore it for a time but at some point, it does come up and we must approach it honestly or disaster is ahead.

So as we do premarital counseling, we essentially liken it to a “healthy heads up”. We spend hours with a couple on 5-6 different occasions to walk through expectations, personal history, communication, personality traits and interests, financial planning, the successes and failures from their families of origin, and of course sex because it all matters and it all contributes to a healthy or unhealthy soul.

We want couples, who are about to make lifelong commitments to have the right set of tools to keep and work on a healthy marriage. Why say all of that? Because one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is sexual expression and views on human sexuality. Is it god, is it gross, or is it a gift?

Whether you see it as historical or not, Genesis 2 expresses a very different view of sexuality than most of us were raised on. God places Adam, the first man in a beautiful garden but then, wonderfully, realizes that it was not good for him to be alone. God had created man for relationship with Himself, says Genesis, but in his own relational nature knew that the man needed another relationship with someone like him. So, God creates woman, taken from his side, because that’s where she belongs, not ahead of him or behind, but as an equal and intimate companion by his side and is perfectly crafted so that they fit together and could enjoy the deepest kind of intimacy.

Genesis 2:25 “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”

Maybe this is more obvious to some of us than others, but God gave the first humans bodies! And these bodies were God-designed and God-endorsed! This is all before the Fall of humanity, meaning sex was part of the original created order and made to be enjoyed, sex is a literal gift from our Creator.

Again, from Genesis, we learn that we were created “in God’s image” as one unified whole—body and soul together as one whole person. The meaning of God’s image is that we were created to be in relationship both physically and spiritually. What we do with our bodies affects what we do with our souls and vice versa. “Our sexuality, then, is part of our total being—not merely a physical, fleshly, or ‘evil’ part of us.” Note that Genesis says that they were “naked and unashamed,” not “naked yet unashamed.” The bodies and spirits of those first humans were integrated, open, and very good.

Genesis also says: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (2:24). Becoming “one flesh” is another way of talking about sexual intercourse—a joining together of two people in deepest intimacy. Many of us grew up in religious traditions that could not imagine God having anything to do with something so improper and vile as sex. I’m here to tell you that’s one of the great lies that has led to so much confusion and suffering and to the idea that sex is gross. Hear the good news: God created sex and wants us to enjoy it!

But sex also has God-given expectations, or guardrails, if you will. If anything goes, it is a disaster. Imagine if you went to a basketball game and there were no referees – anything goes! It would ruin the game and your experience. God created sex and He gave us expectations that don’t involve third parties, that don’t hook-up outside of the covenant of marriage, that don’t involve the use of pornography just to list a few. That’s how it gets distorted and twisted though. Sex was created to be good and to be enjoyed.

It’s not only in Genesis that we see God’s blessing of sex. The union of husband and wife is used as a metaphor throughout Scripture as an example of God’s relationship with Israel and Christ’s relationship to the Church. The Old Testament refers to Israel as God’s bride and this God desired an intimate relationship with his people, the kind of intimacy and oneness husbands and wives were created to enjoy, but Israel would often forsake God and worship idols. More on that another time.

In the New Testament, however, the image is more directly and positively affirmed. In Ephesians 5, Paul gives instructions to husbands and wives in the church at Ephesus and while many Christians use this passage as justification for male domination in the home, a close reading reveals that it really reveals instructions about the kind of union and mutual submission those first humans were created to enjoy. Wives were to submit to their husbands but Paul gives submissive responsibility to the husbands too, who were to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). That’s a bold statement about families in the midst of a male-dominated, patriarchal world, but the implications are even greater given the context.

What Paul is really talking about here is a great “mystery”—that the union between husband and wife, that “one flesh” relationship, is the most expressive and accurate symbol of the relationship between Christ and His church. Not only does God affirm our sexuality within committed relationship to each other, but God also sees it as a reflection and symbol of the kind of deep intimacy and connectedness God seeks to have with us.

Notice too, however, that this image and, indeed, the whole biblical view of human sexuality is bound up in terms of another relational term: Love. Love is the guiding principle of the relationship between Christ and the church, between God and humanity, and it is love that is to govern the sexual behavior of married couples. Sexual intercourse, according to the Scriptures, is not just a function of bodies getting together, but a union of whole persons, bodies and souls, who are committed to one another in love.

When it comes to love, remember from Hebrew tradition: Raya, Ahava, and Dod. In the NT, Paul uses the Greek word “agape” most frequently in his letters and in this passage from Ephesians I am referencing. The kind of love that the Bible talks about is not just romance, right? Heart emoji’s and flowers, but it’s also not the kind of “love” that seeks its own desires—but is an act of self-giving and sacrifice, Raya, Ahava, and Dod.

We talk about this a lot when we do marriage counseling or when I do weddings. Every married couple knows that the intoxication of romance can fade over time (there are actually physiological reasons for that), but that’s where commitment becomes even more important.

Here is what Paul is referencing when he uses the word “agape”. When we agape someone, we engage in a relationship where we are no longer the center. When we first got married, I would say all the time “I never knew how selfish I was until I got married” because I can no longer do what I think is best all the time and dang it, I really want to.

Then if you have kids it gets even more obvious how selfish you are but that’s another sermon. What I’m trying to say is if a marriage only has Raya or friendship, then it suffers. If a marriage only has Ahava, it can suffer. If a marriage is only built on the lust of Dod, it’s suffering. Even if a marriage has 2/3, it’s not ideal and it suffers. We need all three because it gets us outside of ourselves and united once more where I don’t care about winning the argument, I care about marital progress.

Husbands, wives right now: How different would your marriage be if you chose progress in your marriage over being right? As humans, we are bound to give ourselves away to something, make it your marriage. Maybe you need to work on your raya, your friendship. Maybe you need to spend more time together as you explore your ahava, your commitment. Maybe you feel distant in other areas of your marriage and your sexual expression, the Dod, is suffering. Your marriage isn’t thriving, it’s barely surviving and that’s not God’s holy intent for you and your spouse.

I think we can all take steps in our marriages today, but that means when we leave here that we will actually talk about this. That you would get the kids to bed on time and be intentional about the state of your marriage and assess the Raya, the Ahava, and the Dod and prioritize your marriage, to find a healthy consistency.

This is the kind of love where sacred sex finds its absolute best expression. That’s why the Bible is also so adamant that sexual union take place within the covenant of marriage. It is commitment, and nothing else, that is the basis of healthy relationships and great sex.

Sex is only sacred when it has a reverence for God, respect for your spouse, and is seen as a gift.

Sex is not god and sex is not gross, but sacred sex is a gift and a gift to be enjoyed within the beautiful covenant of marriage. Anyone can take their clothes off and have sex, but sacred sex trusts, celebrates, and shares in vulnerability. Sacred sex embodies AND celebrates Raya, Ahava, and Dod.

“The best sex is a celebration of the trust, intimacy, safety, affection, and service inside your marriage. Better sex is not an athletic feat to achieve, but a spiritual connection to be more fully expressed.”

“Tighten the Knot” from Newspring Church

But we live in a fallen world and good gifts can become god, good gifts can be abused and used and becomes gross. Sacred sex gets twisted and distorted so if you can, come back next week as we take on some of the ways sex has been manipulated, twisted, and distorted through means like pornography and hook-up culture. Not to shame anyone or make anyone feel guilty of past sexual history, but to get a fuller understanding of how the enemy wants to use sex to take us far from God.