SACRED SEX PT. 2
Pastor Kevin Canterbury
May 29, 2022
Series: Clickbait
16 min. read
Last week, we discussed some important elements of sacred sex.
No, sex is not gross but sex is also not “god”. Sex should be viewed as it rightfully is: A gift from God. And what we called “sacred sex” is a way we honor God and our spouse with sex.
I was really struggling to get this sermon written this week which is not really a normal problem I have. The plan was for this week to be a continuation of last week’s conversation - pretty straightforward from there.
But Thursday morning arrived and I was still sifting through different ideas and approaches… and it hits me why I’m having so much trouble: It’s because I’m angry.
Not at a particular person, but because it was a week of heavy news. One of those things happened this past Monday. The Southern Baptist Convention, the largest denomination in the United States, announced a decades-long history of covering up sexual abuse cases committed by pastors.
I grew up and found Christ in an SBC (Southern Baptist Convention) church, I have significant roots there. It’s as if - Your whole life, you are taught a very specific sexual ethic from Christians and pastors, and that anything outside of this sexual ethic is dangerous… only to find out that it’s been all talk and no integrity. Really? That’s tough.
To add to this- here is a condensed version of what took place in a church last Sunday in Indiana:
Pastor announces that: 20 years prior, he had sexual contact with a woman who wasn’t his wife on the floor of his office. He portrayed it as a consensual affair that lasted only a short time but because he still has guilt, he chooses to confess that sin and to now resign.
On the surface, that sounds like the right thing to do. Like, “Yeah, man- You definitely waited too long to confess!” There could, COULD, almost be an admirable humility to stand in front of your church and confess such a thing that leads to you resigning.
But that’s not the end of the story.
Pastor finishes his speech, and some in the crowd shout out, “We still love you, pastor…” and want to encourage him…
Until two other people take the stage- A husband and wife. The husband grabs the microphone and says, “Now, it’s our turn to talk…” He hands the microphone over to his wife, who publicly confronts this pastor and gives a few details he chose not to disclose. This woman, this victim, bravely confronts him in front of hundreds of people and talks about how she was only 16 years old when he took her innocence. And all the while, she held onto her purity ring that the pastor and church had previously given her. That’s not an affair, that’s a crime.
I am angry about the ways Christians, pastors even, have co-opted the conversation around sex and twisted it into their latest cause AND while doing so, hiding their own sexual deviancies.
I’m sifting through all these emotions I’m feeling, and have a realization:
I can’t fix those problems… AND I’m not called to.
But while I can’t fix or change that, I AM responsible for my life and areas of this church, and if I want to see change happen, then I need to ensure I’m taking care of what I do have influence over, and practicing what I literally preach.
I can be mad all day about other things, but what are we going to do here?
I just want to say this: Rock Vineyard is committed to practicing the Way of Jesus, and that means the Way of Jesus protects and honors the innocent and will hold any and all parties accountable for transgressions against others, involving the local police when appropriate. We do not exist to protect the image or influence of a pastor or pastors, but to worship God, follow the Way of Jesus, and embrace the Holy Spirit in every single area of our lives.
To do that means we protect the vulnerable. As a church, that means if we see something, we say something. If it looks inappropriate, say something, step in, tell someone. This goes for us all. This must be a safe place for you to grow, for your children and friends to grow, and to know God. Let’s be a church known for our protection of one another and humble accountability toward one another.
Isn’t this all so heavy? I want to see revival come as much as the next person. Revival in our community, in our schools, in our nation, but I am not convinced revival will come until Jesus is done purifying His Church and holding His Church accountable. This grieves my heart deeply, but if we want to see change happen- we need to ensure we are being the change God wants to see first.
Last week, we considered this statement:
Sex is only sacred when it has a reverence for God, respect for your spouse, and is seen as a gift.
This statement is built on a foundation… SELF-CONTROL
Now, I think some of us may have an unhealthy view of self-control. When I say “self-control”, a list of “don’ts” came to mind, right? “Don’t do this, don’t do that.”
But what if we chose to view self-control as a good thing? Here is a definition:
Self-control, an aspect of inhibitory control, is the ability to regulate one's emotions, thoughts, and behavior in the face of temptations and impulses.
That sounds about right, but I think for some of us, we immediately go into a shame-cycle when it comes to self-control. We only see how little of it we have or feel defined by the moments we don’t demonstrate it. Don’t go there!
Think of it like this: You have a physical appetite and that appetite is God-given and is good. Hear me say that again: An appetite is good. With this in mind though, what happens to your mind if you obsess over what you’re not supposed to do all the time? Your view of self-control is built on everything you’re not supposed to do!
That gets dangerous.
I remember learning how to ride a bike when I was a kid. If you want to avoid hitting trees or poles, what are you supposed to do? Focus on the tree? No! You have to put your attention on where you want to go.
I gently would like to say- You have an unhealthy relationship with self-control if it surfaces a lot of guilt, shame, and condemnation. Maybe all you can think about is what you’re not supposed to do (or say or eat or whatever the case may be). I think there’s more to self-control. It can be one of the most common ways God grows our souls.
God gave you a sexual appetite!
But unfortunately, many of us were only given a list of “don’ts” and were told that’s the only way we should view sexual self-control. I think that is massively unhealthy and leads us to shame more than it leads us to anything else.
Again, a physical appetite is a good thing (God-given) and can contribute to a healthy view of yourself, unless you have an unhelpful perspective. The same is true for our sexual appetites… or even our appetite to have friends and belong.
There are healthy perspectives and unhealthy perspectives.
For example:
A healthy perspective on friendship could look like:
“Wow, we get along great, at the same stage of life, share interests, same convictions…”
Sounds like a healthy friendship!
Unhealthy perspective for friendship:
“I wonder if I talked too much, I think I overwhelm them, they haven’t texted me back in an hour, I brought up something really controversial and I now I think they hate me…”
I would say that’s unhealthy.
However, I believe the problem isn’t a thought-pattern that leads you there, but a self-worth problem. And it’s a self-worth problem and possibly a shame-cycle that leads us to see self-control as a negative thing or a shame-filled area of our lives. Self-control is important in the life of every believer but especially when it comes to our sexuality.
Song of Songs, a very explicit book of your bible, says on three separate occasions:
“Do not arouse or awaken love until the time is right.” Song of Songs 2:7; 3:5; 8:4 (NLT)
Self-control is not a manipulative way for God to control our sexuality, but it actually helps us find freedom and celebrate the good gift God has given to us to its fullest potential. Self-control is a Fruit of the Spirit, from Galatians 5, and is accompanied by other virtues: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness. If self-control seems like it doesn’t belong on that list, change how you think of it.
Maybe this will help:
An unhealthy view of self-control is built on what’s not possible.
A healthy view of self-control is built on what is possible.
“Not possible” vs. “possible”
“I feel guilty” vs. “this is God-given”
“I can’t get this right” vs. “I am called to this”
It’s the classic glass half-full, half-empty phrase but with self-control
I want us to view self-control, not as a test we pass or fail all the time, but as a spiritual discipline we can see life-change in and ways we can improve our lives, not destroy our confidence.
From here, I want to talk briefly about the importance of guarding ourselves and protecting our hearts and minds. Followers of Jesus are not to live “like the world” but, in the words of Jesus, “live in the world, but not of the world…” And our world is sex-obsessed. It’s everywhere, it’s in the line at grocery stores on the covers of magazines, it’s all over social media, and celebrated at every turn.
This is nothing new, by the way! Sex has always been an idol, almost since humans have existed. In the time of the bible, there were religions solely based on sex and sex among the gods.
1. Self-control seeks the Way of Jesus
Matthew 5:28
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Jesus lays down some hard teaching here, but it’s that important. As I heard one pastor say (caution to the graphic words used here), “It’s a pornographic thought-life that leads to a pornographic secret life.” Issues of the heart and mind are as serious as issues out in the world because we often manifest or bring about what’s inside.
Romans 12 talks about followers of Christ being “transformed by the renewing of their minds” meaning the battle isn’t out here in the world, but it’s inside ourselves instead.
Your sexuality isn’t the big problem, your sexual desires aren’t the big problem, and your God-given appetite shouldn’t be disputed, but it’s how you think and what you believe that will cause the most problems.
Luke 17:3-4
3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.
Two quick things:
Who are we to pay attention to first? Ourselves! Echoe Jesus’ own words about taking care of the planks in our own eyes before we approach the specks in others’.
Then, and only then, do we approach others. “But ‘rebuke’ sounds harsh, Jesus!” Don’t forget that Jesus was often tough on sin and tender toward sinners. To rebuke is to speak truth to someone, and that doesn’t involve telling someone off!
Christ-like Rebukes:
Are never done in public…
Read that again. There is nothing Christ-like about publicly lighting into someone online, whether you know them personally or not. I know everything these days is super-charged when it comes to outrage and injustice sides are taken quickly but please- Rebukes are meant to draw people back to God and you cannot do that with someone you do not know. And this will be tough for some but I really believe this applies to those celebrities and politicians that drive us crazy. I know, I know! Everyone is disparaging that politician because of this reason or that, but that is not the Way of Jesus. President whoever, senator whoever, mayor so-and-so… c’mon. We need to be people who critique ideas and ideologies without disparaging people. Self-control is really important here too, as our aim should be “quick to listen and slow to anger…”
Now, I have received some needed rebukes in my life. Mature Christians don’t resist them but should sincerely hear them.
I have also been handed rebukes out of anger, and those, I did not receive. Most notably, after a sermon, a guy and his wife approached me and were so angry that I told a couple of jokes in my sermon that they began yelling – it was bad. At one point, he told me I was believing lies from Satan. I asked if I could sit down and still hear their concerns and they said no.
See, when we confront someone or rebuke someone, those are not supposed to be spur-of-the-moment events. They are considered in prayer, and you may seek wisdom from others first. Today, we have been discussing self-control in the context of sex, but demonstrating self-control is always a great aim for us to grow in.
So, Jesus wants us to grow in self-control but the battle is lost and won in our minds, meaning…
2. Self-control thinks first
2 Timothy 1:7
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
Other translations say “a sound mind” and I love that.
Self-control - Taking every thought captive, is vital to a healthy mind, heart, and soul but sexual self-control can just feel like a different battle. One, our world puts it in front of us all the time, but two, we have a desire to experience sex! The context must be God’s though.
EX: In college, I was by myself one afternoon and my three roommates were all gone, and I remember this onslaught of intrusive thoughts hit me. I was being reminded of things I had seen and was really attempting to resist those thoughts. And this bible verse came to mind “power, love, and a sound mind…”
So, I got up, put my shoes on, and I went for a 5K run all by myself. By the time I got back, one of my roommates had returned
I am not saying that works for everyone, every single time. But I want to encourage someone today:
Some battles are easily won by running away.
Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6:18 to run from sexual sin! I know, I know. We all want to be David slaying Goliath and singing, “this is how I fight my battles” but not when we may compromise our sexual convictions. If self-control seems to be getting away from you, think first, and get out of the situation before the gravity takes hold of you.
3. Self-control is accountable
James 5:16
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
C’mon, no one is above this. You haven’t “won Christianity” and are now free from having to confess sins to others. But more than just calling someone to confess sin, accountability is supposed to be freeing!
2 Peter 1:5-7
For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.
How do we find success in self-control? Look where this “map” leads.
This is my interpretation:
This is the total package here. It’s a great way to approach self-control whether we have a healthy or unhealthy view of it. Your personal self-control is so much more than a list of “don’ts” to be avoided but a transformed life to be embraced, and I believe it begins here.
When faced with temptation:
How will this affect my future?
Secrets always come out. Nothing is hidden from God. Not decades-long abuse and not your secret sin either. It always comes out. Be honest, show integrity, and choose to grow. Yes, sharing these things hurt but secrets that come out later are much worse.
How will this affect others?
If I had a list of people who have told me they walked in on a parent or someone they respect engaging with sexually explicit material, I think that list could roll across our entire parking lot. A lack of sexual self-control affects others, and when it involves someone outside of your marriage covenant it can destroy families and lives.
What are the consequences?
Secret sin enslaves us into thinking “just one more time, just some relief, everyone else is doing it…” Secret sin starts small but takes a toll on your soul. Like we said last week, your body is not separate from your soul and what you do to one affects the other
When struggling, ask yourself these questions, reach out to someone for accountability, and don’t go this alone because you can’t.
James 5:16
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working
4. Self-control is empowered by the Holy Spirit
Yes, we are accountable. Yes, we need to think first. Yes, we seek the Way of Jesus.
And we have an advocate, as scripture says. Someone who empowers and instructs us to overcome. There are simply some things only the Holy Spirit will reveal to us and we won’t hear or know what those things are when we aren’t intentional in a growing relationship with God, through the power of the Holy Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
Living life God’s way, demonstrating self-control in your life is not a life with rules and “do nots” but a life of true freedom AND we get to experience it with the power of the Holy Spirit.
As a Vineyard Church, we believe the Holy Spirit was not just a ghost from the past that helped the apostles heal people and do wild things, but that the Holy Spirit that every believer receives is the same Holy Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead. It’s the same Holy Spirit that changes lives, breaks chains, and helps when we cry out when our only prayer is “help”.
Jesus knew we would need help. We are given the Holy Spirit. But sometimes we are still hesitant, right? You are not above needing help. I need it, you need it, we need it.
As the Bible describes the Holy Spirit as our advocate, it also describes the enemy as our accuser. And somewhere, we have our own self-critic. I heard someone once say “Some of you were handed a self-critic and told it was the voice of God.”
What are the voices we are listening to?
Are we embracing the self-critic, and believing that it’s God?
Are we listening to the accuser who is saying, “Self-control is something you’ll never be able to do.”
Or are we going to intentionally listen to our advocate, the Holy Spirit, and embrace an opportunity to grow with God through self-control?
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About Pastor Kevin
Lead pastor at Rock Vineyard Church.
Discipled in the SBC.
Educated at Fuller Seminary.
Trained in the Vineyard.
Loved by Jesus
Eternally grateful.